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A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
” There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.
You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me,
but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing….”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, “No, everyone’s fine. I gave up beer for lent.”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

What not to do on Valentines Day.
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first.
” I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
” Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

The Penis PoemMy nookie days are over/My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal/Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord/From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job/To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing/The way it would behave
For every single morning/It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches/It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head/And watch me tie my shoes.

George Carlin’s View On Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out.

There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a littlekid again. “I’m 100 and a half!” May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Question: How do you get an american to eat a turd?
Answer: Dip it in chocolate and say it has no calories